Commitment 2009

After receiving a great idea on Beth Moore's blog, I am making a commitment to deepen my relationship with Jesus by memorizing some scripture (two a month) and praying and meditating on the purpose and meaning of each one. It's small and do-able. I have been riding the roller coaster of life...and the Lord knows my needs. Lord, keep walking with me...

Know Your Worth

This was sent to me from a beautiful friend...

WHETHER SINGLE OR MARRIED, THIS IS WONDERFUL REMINDER OF OUR SELF WORTH!

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."
She began to expound, "As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can he do for me that I can't do for myself."
"I pay my own bills."
"I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter."
"I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?' "
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, "I am not referring to money."
"I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. "
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She said,

"I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need
conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't
need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for
disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I
don't need a financial burden.

I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive,
I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his
business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God
made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help
himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot. She replied, "I'm worth a lot. "

Growing old is a blessing when you’re growing closer to God.

Don't Look Back

As today is my birthday, I want to reflect on how thankful I am for being at this very place in life...I am content (most of the time) and I am happy...but mostly, I am blessed and grateful, and for this I thank God!

I have used this image before, and I am sure I will again because it is so important to me. I received this card several years ago from a nurse friend after my divorce. The hand written note inside was poignant, but it was the picture that captivated me. It so sums my future. It reminds me to not look back and keep my eyes focused on what is in front of me. Now that I have Jesus in my life, my previous lifestyle is no longer an option. My new life has begun and I am already traveling down its' path. I am prepared. I am heading toward the light over the hill and I have turned my back on the trail that leads to darkness. The owl of wisdom and free will always sits at the crossroad causing me to think and consider my options...and that my options will only take me into one of two directions...down a path of hope and life or down the path of fear and loneliness.

I do not think that my good friend could have even know how much her card has come to symbolize my life. It is even framed, sitting on my dresser and placed on this blog...not once, but twice, so far. Such a small act of kindness had a significant impact for me. I praise the Lord, I praise the Lord.

Thank you Jesus for all of the small things, for it
is the tiniest things in life that build such great rewards. In these moments I
clearly see your hand moving in my life, only because I stopped and took notice.
I pray that I never stop and that you continue to create a woman in me that sees
your hand and hears your voice in all things. In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

My Winter Series Grande Champion!

The Liberating Divorce

I do not talk much about my ex-husband. But I am finding a therapeutic moment in blogging about him now. Today is a day when I am so reminded why the Lord led me straight out of my marriage. Please don't cringe. It is not like I didn't try. I tried for YEARS to turn things around, sacrificing, praying...but Christ has released me and today is reminding me why...

My former husband was assaulted last night, by 5 guys, because he had an affair with a married woman. I know that all of the women out there are feeling what I am feeling, that he DESERVED it! He certainly did not value the sanctity of our marriage, so why would he value another's? The ironic thing, to hear him talk about it is to listen to someone who is so out of touch with reality, so lost, so caught-up in the dark side (does that sound like he should be Anakin Skywalker?)...he'll admit his wrongdoing in one breath, and then talk about how he wants to be a greater part of our children's lives..."I know I have been slacking in that department..." were his exact words. Slacking is not the word, try non-existent. To sum up his parenting ability is to say that he is like the fun uncle...comes in to town, has a great time with the kids, and then fades away without feeling of responsibility or loyalty. To be honest, this is fine by me. He has no parental sense in him and I worry to no end when the children are in his care(which is rare).

I have said all of this to point out that my divorce was such a liberation. A liberation that led me straight into the arms of the Lord. I was stifled and oppressed during my marriage. Emotional manipulation and abuse dominated in our household and at the end I was a mere shell of my former self. The moment I decided that it was better to feel happy and whole and walk away was the moment I found myself on the path to freedom. I do not want to blog about the enormity of my marital woes. I realize now that it is through burdens and suffering that the Lord sets us free. I am a wiser woman who has matured tremendously in life, relationships, and in faith.

I do relish knowing that I was the best thing that ever happened to my ex. No one can ever compare. I take great pleasure and comfort in knowing this. After 3+ years, I no longer have feelings of love for him (in the romantic sense), but I care for him as the father of my children...and that's it. Like I said, God released me. I have prayed for years that he would turn his life around and stay on the straight path, for the sake of our kids, but I haven't prayed for this in a long time. I do not believe that he will ever stop worshipping life's false idols: money, gambling, sex. Those prayers have long since been replaced. Replaced with prayers of hope and new beginnings.

Dearest Lord, I am your servant. I long to be the best version of myself that I can be. You have shown me that seeking you is always the direction for renewal and sustenance. With you alone, I am complete. But I am lonely and I do wish for a Jesus-loving man to come in to my life to be the husband that you have been all along. I pray for a partner in life who will support me and allow me to support him, to shower with all the love in my heart, to demonstrate to my children what a good relationship looks like. Send me someone who can be a father-figure to my children, not to replace their father, but to fill-in the gaping wholes left by their father. Lord, I have long been the care-giver to all in my life, and I could use some care-giving myself, a tender touch, a kiss on the neck, someone who knows the value of church, family, and relationships. For a long time I mourned what my marriage should have been. I pray that you give me another chance. I am ashamed of all of the years I turned my ear away from you and I am confident that I am walking the path of righteousness and that I can make the right decisions for my future. In your will, in your time. My spirit is renewed and I submit to you in all things. I am grateful for the abundant blessings you have bestowed. Bless me in my endeavors and guide me in my walk, you are the Way. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 188:24

My daughter was Grand Champion of her class in the final winter show today! I am so proud. Not only did she win a trophy (that we didn't expect)...but my father decided to join us! How wonderful and blessed we were to have him there since he hasn't left the house much since October 31st, the night of his emergency surgery... and the day that changed his life (and ours) as he knew it.

Dearest Lord, thank you for giving us such a joyous occasion to bring Dad out and share in Graysen's special day. I am so grateful for your presence and our relationship that continues to grow. You command complete faith and I trust in your provisions. Just as you said, you are the husband to the husbandless and the father to the fatherless. This couldn't be more true in our life. Grant me strength to continue in my journey, to discern your voice, and to be the servant that you ask me to be. Bring peace to my heart, peace in my home, and peace to the world, Amen.

A Borrowed Prayer...

A borrowed prayer that I need to make mine:

Father, sometimes it seems as if my head and heart are filled with voices and each one is telling me something different! Help me to hear You, to stop and listen for Your voice above the rest. I will seek You in the Scripture. I will seek You in prayer and in my daily walk. I am listening today for Your voice alone.
In Jesus' name, Amen

Bedtime Kisses and Wishes

Last night, while going through the bedtime routine with my kids, my daughter (she is 7 1/2) revealed something so wonderful to me that I have to share it here.

She was saying her prayers (she has finally memorized the Lord's Prayer), and I told her that she should include in her requests that God help her to remember to bring home her homework and to try harder at completing her work at school. Lately, being the VERY social 2nd grader that she is, she has fallen short in both of these areas.
She says, "Mom, can I ask that part in my head?"
"Sure," I said. I then leaned over to kiss her goodnight and she says,
"Mommy, sometimes when I am at school, I have conversations with God in my head, like if I have a question or a problem, and He answers me, in my head, and tells me what to do."
Now you know, I almost fell on my knees at this point...
"Oh honey, you are so special. When you hear God speaking to you it shows that you have a real relationship with Him and this is a wonderful thing!"

Now, all the mother's out there (especially single-moms) will understand, this just blew me away! I so want my children to love Jesus like I do, to have Him as their purpose. I also know that it is a fine line with kids. If you push them too much and inundate them with the Word, they might resist and rebel. In my heart, I feel it is best to lead by example and push gently and consistently. The Lord reassured me that I am doing SOMETHING right. Thank you Jesus!

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the
truth. 3 John 4

Don't Look Back

Place Your Life Before God

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so you may prove what the will of God is, which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

OR

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." The Message Romans 12:1-2

Sweet Jesus, I have changed since I asked you to come into my life. I asked for the Holy Spirit to blanket me, and it happened; I think about you all of the time. Thoughts of you come out in my daily conversations with others, whether at work, home, or at school. I feel as if my life is being transformed and that you have placed a yearning for knowledge and relationship with you upon my heart. How grateful I am. My cup overflows with the Holy Spirit. I am a work in progress and I am humbled by all that I do not know. I attest to the life change it has brought and finally know what others had claimed...that knowing you and accepting you as Lord and Saviour is a transforming experience. I am still working on discerning your voice and your plan for me. I feel you calling me to ministry sometimes, but I am such a novice that I tremble at the thought. Give me focus today to accomplish the many things that I need to accomplish and for some quiet time with you. I pray for peace in my heart, peace in my home, and peace in the world. Amen

A Woman's Heart

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

~ Maya Angelou

How true it is!

Put a smile on your face?

Leadership Skills

Nurse friends, can you relate?

45 Minutes of Clarity

It was an interesting Sunday at church. The series, titled "No Place Like Home," is about relationships: dating, marriage, parenting. Today's topic was dating and marriage, a topic that I usually dread because of my own failed marriage. In the past, I would find it difficult and tearful to listen. I would sit quietly in the balcony, hoping no one would notice my mascara running . This wasn't the case today. I listened intently and I was surprised at my reaction. The Word really spoke differently to me this time. Perhaps I am no longer raw and in a much different place emotionally, but today's talk solidified the concept of why my marriage failed. Every bullet-point that the pastor felt compelled to discuss was a transcript for all of the particular relationship miss-steps that I have made in the past 20 years.

I sat in my seat wondering if the pastor even realized how his message was affecting the divorced church-goer. They were likely impacted quite differently than all of the others, and profoundly so. Looking around, it was not obvious who had suffered through a divorce--but a collective thought certainly existed. I relished in the manifestation of this collective conscience, knowing that I wasn't alone as we silently nodded our heads and thought, "you know that's true," "amen brother," "I can attest to that!" The pastor's lecture was like a playbook of every wrong choice I made, why I made it, and what I should have done instead. For once, I saw my failures summed up clearly in about 45 minutes! When a marriage is over, all hope for that relationship is over too. If I had heard today's message while married, it would have hit me in a way where I could question the issues and move forward, hoping that God will help rectify the situation. Now, years later, my hope can only lay with the next relationship, if there ever is one...making a different choice as a more mature Christian who has grown tremendously in faith.

That said, I am aware that making the wrong choices is what led me to where I am today...knowing God, having a relationship with Him, loving Jesus, and allowing Jesus to love me in return...it is a whole new world!

Should God ever will for me to enter into another intimate relationship, Lord knows I will be prepared. Throwing caution-to-the-wind is not who I am anymore! Let me say that I am not optimistic that God will send another man my way...but if he did, you better believe that I will want to do everything the right way, God's way.

The scripture that remained with me today:

Matthew 7: 24-27 "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house
on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and
beat against that house: yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put
them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that
house, and it fell with a great crash."

Sweet Jesus, thank you for allowing me to recover from my home built in the desert. I did not listen to your Word then and my world crumbled around me. I climbed from that pit to find my feet firmly planted on your rock. I rebuilt my home as I have listened to Godly counsel and strengthened my relationship with you. While I remain imperfect, I remind myself that through you all things are possible and that your love never fails. Amen

Praying for Healing

A family in Wisconsin believed that through prayer alone, their daughter could be healed. They engaged others to pray with them and this went on for weeks while their daughter slowly wasted away, dying from a treatable condition. I read that the parents believed that their daughter died because they did not have "enough" faith. Sweet Jesus!

When is negligence, negligence? I believe in prayer too. However, I also believe that God has designed our progress in the world--such as advances in technology and medicine. Many physicians and nurses are Christians who really believe. I work with a group of nurses that while very human and real, they are believers in Christ like no other. While I don't discount that miracles through prayer exist, I do believe God has given us miracles in the form of treatments for various conditions that people would have easily died from in the past. I believe God blessed those researchers who formulated insulin and diabetic treatments. Perhaps that lovely child would be alive today if her parents did have more faith.

As a mother, it is hard for me to relate. I don't think God punishes our children for our lack of faith or indiscretions. He judges each of us individually. If it were my child, I imagine I would pray continuously while seeking every treatment on this earth that the Lord may have created for my child. After I had exhausted all of the options, I would know that the Lord was calling her home for his own reason, his own plan...and I would struggle with it but hopefully be comforted by knowing this.

While the daughter was certainly not being punished for her parent's lack of faith, I do hope that her parent's are punished on earth for their lack of faith...faith in others. God works in relationships and through others every day! The extent of their punishment will be decided in a court of law...and I am sure it won't be too extreme as they certainly did not intend for their daughter to die...but negligence is negligence no matter how you look at it.

Sweet Jesus,

I pray that you comfort all of us who are struggling
with the death of this young girl. We believe in you and have faith.
I pray that you comfort her parents and help them to see the error in their
ways. I am certain that they are suffering miserably for their error and I
hope you can help them see your love for them, even through this tragedy.
Bless me today to be productive and kind. Blanket me with the Holy Spirit
so that your light can shine through me. I pray for peace in my heart,
peace in my home, and peace in the world. Amen.

"Children of the light will not be comfortable in the dark."

Oh Lord, how I know this is true...you saw my discomfort and
life in the pit of pits. You brought others into my path to enlighten me
and give me courage. The Holy Spirit protected me as I climbed out and
arose to freedom. Oh Holy Spirit, blanket me today with purpose and
forsight. Bless those who remain in the dark, squirming in their seats so
that they too can find the Prince of Peace. Amen.

Blog surfing

I enjoy reading the blogs of others. Often, I discover an alternate view that enlightens me, a well written opinion (better than my own) on some belief that I share, or just to peak through a window in to another's world. Some blogs I routinely read, such as the LPM blog, or Patty Kirk's Amateur Believer. The post cited below is exactly what I am referring to. I envision myself as a mother like Patty, in the sense that children are better served in the long run if they are allowed to explore the good and bad (within reason) as long as discussion and parental involvement are included. I knew a few children of strict religious families (and I mean strict--like no radios and praying the rosary when driving in the car), and I think it perpetuated rebellion in their young adult lives. In contrast, I was not raised in a "religious" family, but one filled with discussion and experience of many different things, but not always discussion on some important things that would have effected me as a young woman...such has discussions on sex as it relates to me. As a teenager and young adult, I didn't have the type of relationship with my mother where I could discuss deeply personal issues that were consuming my mind--although my relationship with my Mother today is like this. Simply put, there were things that I could discuss with my parents, and many things that I felt I could not. Thus, my friends had a stronger influence during my early adult years...which left my parents in the position to always "bail me out!" I am sure that you can relate.

While I am sure I will do my share of bailing out in the future, I hope to use an improved approach on mothering with my children then what I experienced myself. Of course, I think mother's today have many more challenges to contend with (such has the media's visual bombardment of our children's minds) but we also have a great deal more resources than the generations of mom's before us...aren't we lucky? While I face single parenting and working full-time, I still have "places" that I can go for support and guidance--such as mom's groups, online communities, parenting resources, and good old-fashioned girl chat with women in the same position that I am in.

There are a million ways to approach parenting, much of which is a reflection of our own experiences as children (good and bad); However, I think finding freedom in Christ involves a lot of self-discovery during those precious years of development...otherwise, how will our children find true freedom with Him? What I mean is that real appreciation can only come from knowing, experiencing, or observing the bad in life to appreciate the good; engaged parents have so many opportunities to expose and teach their children about the ugly side of life if they do not shelter their children from it...simply put: if every day is a sunny day than you take the sun for granted; throw cloudy, stormy, windy blah days in the mix and all of a sudden, that sunny day feels glorious! I am aware that my children will find themselves in a pit and have already seen and experienced some ugly...but we talk about it, pray about it, and move on. I hope this will make them better prepared as adults for facing the very real challenges that they will undoubtedly encounter. I laugh at how imperfect I am, but it makes me real, and I think my kids will (one day) appreciate this.

Check-out the link below, you may find it interesting...

amateur believer: Radio Blues

I love this prayer that a friend sent me:

Heavenly Father, today I humbly open my heart to
You. Use me for Your glory and have Your way in my life. I choose to believe in
You and invite You to believe
through me. In Jesus' Name.
Amen.

Monday mornings...

It is Monday morning, no school, and the kid's are shocking me by playing quietly upstairs. This gives me "moments" to myself. I completed some homework in Beth Moore's Living Beyond Bible study earlier. I somehow managed to read the Bible, complete homework, pour chocolate milk with refills for my son, manage the timer for computer time for the kids to have "equal" game time, make coffee & toast, and take the dog out twice, and I still walked away with something...thoughts on the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I stand in amazement of myself...as I am sure many mothers do.

One of the reasons I love Beth Moore's Bible Studies is that she is so energetic! I know few people who display such a passion for Christ as she. It is invigorating to listen to her southern accent as she teaches about relationship with Him. The controversy regarding her ministry seems impractical to me. Joyce Meyer preaches to men and women and isn't torn down for it. You can take any segment of the bible to substantiate a claim regarding some belief or another; and her ministry is directed towards women--it's a women's ministry. In critique, I find it difficult to follow along in her studies when flipping from one verse to the next without discussion in between. I find this tedious. However, I have read several of her books and listened to audio versions and I certainly have something to learn from a woman who has walked a difficult road and loved God along the way. This is what I, and many other women I imagine, find inspiring about her. Beth Moore isn't the only teacher worthy of praise, she is simply one of many...and a colorful one at that!

Well, the kids have been up and down the stairs several times--they are either incredibly distracting or help me to focus all the more by tuning-out their screeches and silliness. There are so many things that I want and need to do and I am regularly disappointed with myself because there is only so much that a single-mom can do in one day.

Oh how I thirst for the Holy Spirit to work in my life. I crave
direction and awakening of my purpose. Oh, how I pray for some relief, for feelings of accomplishment & contribution, to know and display my gifts, to overcome and to shine. Lord, I pray that I am pleasing to you, where I am right at this moment, trying to make it... with all of your wonderful guidance and support. I am grateful for the many blessings you have bestowed. I am forever thankful for the direction to the road less traveled, where the other path is no longer an option. I continue to pray for peace in my heart, peace in my home, peace in the world. Amen.

A Message From God...

"For the moment, this too is a blessing, a love message from God: that it is all right to doubt—that to doubt is to seek, and to seek is to hope, and to hope urgently, insistently, with certainty, is to have all the faith we need to survive what is ahead . . . "

• --from Confessions of an Amateur Believer

Phoebe

My babies...

The Road...

Easter Week...

I have been praying for the Lord's help....I so want my kids to know God and have a relationship with him. They are young (7 & 4), but they pray at bedtime and last night, my son wanted to "keep on going..." as we read his Children's Bible Stories. He specifically wanted to read one that had a picture with Jesus and the cross. How timely given the Easter season! My daughter has memorized the books of the bible and now knows the Our Father. I am proud but know that a challenge lays ahead...Attending church has been a HUGE asset for me in terms of raising them alone. Our church, the NorthRidge Church, has a fabulous children's program and my children LOVE attending. I think that I win half the battle when the children want to go to church. Don't you?

As I walk and grow in my faith it becomes ever clearer to me how believing in God is shadowed by the importance of living what I believe. I know too many people who say that they believe, but certainly do not live like they do. In the past you could count me in that group. But something has changed in me and I think of all of the years that I wasted...not being fully alive...going through the motions....hearing but not listening....not laying claim to what has been given to me...turning my back on God...a life filled with so much emptiness where my feelings vacillated between desperation and numbness....worshipping all of the wrong things...and making some devastatingly bad decisions. Oh how the Lord has delivered me!

Sweet Jesus, I am forever grateful for your sacrifice. Continue to guide me and be a husband to the husbandless and a father to the fatherless. We are so blessed by your presence. Oh, how you have filled the empty spaces and given meaning to each breath I take. Help me to grow closer to you, discern your voice in my life, and stay on the path you have set for me. I pray for peace in my heart, peace in my home, and peace on this earth...Amen