Don't Look Back

As today is my birthday, I want to reflect on how thankful I am for being at this very place in life...I am content (most of the time) and I am happy...but mostly, I am blessed and grateful, and for this I thank God!

I have used this image before, and I am sure I will again because it is so important to me. I received this card several years ago from a nurse friend after my divorce. The hand written note inside was poignant, but it was the picture that captivated me. It so sums my future. It reminds me to not look back and keep my eyes focused on what is in front of me. Now that I have Jesus in my life, my previous lifestyle is no longer an option. My new life has begun and I am already traveling down its' path. I am prepared. I am heading toward the light over the hill and I have turned my back on the trail that leads to darkness. The owl of wisdom and free will always sits at the crossroad causing me to think and consider my options...and that my options will only take me into one of two directions...down a path of hope and life or down the path of fear and loneliness.

I do not think that my good friend could have even know how much her card has come to symbolize my life. It is even framed, sitting on my dresser and placed on this blog...not once, but twice, so far. Such a small act of kindness had a significant impact for me. I praise the Lord, I praise the Lord.

Thank you Jesus for all of the small things, for it
is the tiniest things in life that build such great rewards. In these moments I
clearly see your hand moving in my life, only because I stopped and took notice.
I pray that I never stop and that you continue to create a woman in me that sees
your hand and hears your voice in all things. In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

My Winter Series Grande Champion!

The Liberating Divorce

I do not talk much about my ex-husband. But I am finding a therapeutic moment in blogging about him now. Today is a day when I am so reminded why the Lord led me straight out of my marriage. Please don't cringe. It is not like I didn't try. I tried for YEARS to turn things around, sacrificing, praying...but Christ has released me and today is reminding me why...

My former husband was assaulted last night, by 5 guys, because he had an affair with a married woman. I know that all of the women out there are feeling what I am feeling, that he DESERVED it! He certainly did not value the sanctity of our marriage, so why would he value another's? The ironic thing, to hear him talk about it is to listen to someone who is so out of touch with reality, so lost, so caught-up in the dark side (does that sound like he should be Anakin Skywalker?)...he'll admit his wrongdoing in one breath, and then talk about how he wants to be a greater part of our children's lives..."I know I have been slacking in that department..." were his exact words. Slacking is not the word, try non-existent. To sum up his parenting ability is to say that he is like the fun uncle...comes in to town, has a great time with the kids, and then fades away without feeling of responsibility or loyalty. To be honest, this is fine by me. He has no parental sense in him and I worry to no end when the children are in his care(which is rare).

I have said all of this to point out that my divorce was such a liberation. A liberation that led me straight into the arms of the Lord. I was stifled and oppressed during my marriage. Emotional manipulation and abuse dominated in our household and at the end I was a mere shell of my former self. The moment I decided that it was better to feel happy and whole and walk away was the moment I found myself on the path to freedom. I do not want to blog about the enormity of my marital woes. I realize now that it is through burdens and suffering that the Lord sets us free. I am a wiser woman who has matured tremendously in life, relationships, and in faith.

I do relish knowing that I was the best thing that ever happened to my ex. No one can ever compare. I take great pleasure and comfort in knowing this. After 3+ years, I no longer have feelings of love for him (in the romantic sense), but I care for him as the father of my children...and that's it. Like I said, God released me. I have prayed for years that he would turn his life around and stay on the straight path, for the sake of our kids, but I haven't prayed for this in a long time. I do not believe that he will ever stop worshipping life's false idols: money, gambling, sex. Those prayers have long since been replaced. Replaced with prayers of hope and new beginnings.

Dearest Lord, I am your servant. I long to be the best version of myself that I can be. You have shown me that seeking you is always the direction for renewal and sustenance. With you alone, I am complete. But I am lonely and I do wish for a Jesus-loving man to come in to my life to be the husband that you have been all along. I pray for a partner in life who will support me and allow me to support him, to shower with all the love in my heart, to demonstrate to my children what a good relationship looks like. Send me someone who can be a father-figure to my children, not to replace their father, but to fill-in the gaping wholes left by their father. Lord, I have long been the care-giver to all in my life, and I could use some care-giving myself, a tender touch, a kiss on the neck, someone who knows the value of church, family, and relationships. For a long time I mourned what my marriage should have been. I pray that you give me another chance. I am ashamed of all of the years I turned my ear away from you and I am confident that I am walking the path of righteousness and that I can make the right decisions for my future. In your will, in your time. My spirit is renewed and I submit to you in all things. I am grateful for the abundant blessings you have bestowed. Bless me in my endeavors and guide me in my walk, you are the Way. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 188:24

My daughter was Grand Champion of her class in the final winter show today! I am so proud. Not only did she win a trophy (that we didn't expect)...but my father decided to join us! How wonderful and blessed we were to have him there since he hasn't left the house much since October 31st, the night of his emergency surgery... and the day that changed his life (and ours) as he knew it.

Dearest Lord, thank you for giving us such a joyous occasion to bring Dad out and share in Graysen's special day. I am so grateful for your presence and our relationship that continues to grow. You command complete faith and I trust in your provisions. Just as you said, you are the husband to the husbandless and the father to the fatherless. This couldn't be more true in our life. Grant me strength to continue in my journey, to discern your voice, and to be the servant that you ask me to be. Bring peace to my heart, peace in my home, and peace to the world, Amen.

A Borrowed Prayer...

A borrowed prayer that I need to make mine:

Father, sometimes it seems as if my head and heart are filled with voices and each one is telling me something different! Help me to hear You, to stop and listen for Your voice above the rest. I will seek You in the Scripture. I will seek You in prayer and in my daily walk. I am listening today for Your voice alone.
In Jesus' name, Amen

Bedtime Kisses and Wishes

Last night, while going through the bedtime routine with my kids, my daughter (she is 7 1/2) revealed something so wonderful to me that I have to share it here.

She was saying her prayers (she has finally memorized the Lord's Prayer), and I told her that she should include in her requests that God help her to remember to bring home her homework and to try harder at completing her work at school. Lately, being the VERY social 2nd grader that she is, she has fallen short in both of these areas.
She says, "Mom, can I ask that part in my head?"
"Sure," I said. I then leaned over to kiss her goodnight and she says,
"Mommy, sometimes when I am at school, I have conversations with God in my head, like if I have a question or a problem, and He answers me, in my head, and tells me what to do."
Now you know, I almost fell on my knees at this point...
"Oh honey, you are so special. When you hear God speaking to you it shows that you have a real relationship with Him and this is a wonderful thing!"

Now, all the mother's out there (especially single-moms) will understand, this just blew me away! I so want my children to love Jesus like I do, to have Him as their purpose. I also know that it is a fine line with kids. If you push them too much and inundate them with the Word, they might resist and rebel. In my heart, I feel it is best to lead by example and push gently and consistently. The Lord reassured me that I am doing SOMETHING right. Thank you Jesus!

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the
truth. 3 John 4

Don't Look Back

Place Your Life Before God

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so you may prove what the will of God is, which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

OR

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." The Message Romans 12:1-2

Sweet Jesus, I have changed since I asked you to come into my life. I asked for the Holy Spirit to blanket me, and it happened; I think about you all of the time. Thoughts of you come out in my daily conversations with others, whether at work, home, or at school. I feel as if my life is being transformed and that you have placed a yearning for knowledge and relationship with you upon my heart. How grateful I am. My cup overflows with the Holy Spirit. I am a work in progress and I am humbled by all that I do not know. I attest to the life change it has brought and finally know what others had claimed...that knowing you and accepting you as Lord and Saviour is a transforming experience. I am still working on discerning your voice and your plan for me. I feel you calling me to ministry sometimes, but I am such a novice that I tremble at the thought. Give me focus today to accomplish the many things that I need to accomplish and for some quiet time with you. I pray for peace in my heart, peace in my home, and peace in the world. Amen

A Woman's Heart

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

~ Maya Angelou

How true it is!

Put a smile on your face?

Leadership Skills

Nurse friends, can you relate?

45 Minutes of Clarity

It was an interesting Sunday at church. The series, titled "No Place Like Home," is about relationships: dating, marriage, parenting. Today's topic was dating and marriage, a topic that I usually dread because of my own failed marriage. In the past, I would find it difficult and tearful to listen. I would sit quietly in the balcony, hoping no one would notice my mascara running . This wasn't the case today. I listened intently and I was surprised at my reaction. The Word really spoke differently to me this time. Perhaps I am no longer raw and in a much different place emotionally, but today's talk solidified the concept of why my marriage failed. Every bullet-point that the pastor felt compelled to discuss was a transcript for all of the particular relationship miss-steps that I have made in the past 20 years.

I sat in my seat wondering if the pastor even realized how his message was affecting the divorced church-goer. They were likely impacted quite differently than all of the others, and profoundly so. Looking around, it was not obvious who had suffered through a divorce--but a collective thought certainly existed. I relished in the manifestation of this collective conscience, knowing that I wasn't alone as we silently nodded our heads and thought, "you know that's true," "amen brother," "I can attest to that!" The pastor's lecture was like a playbook of every wrong choice I made, why I made it, and what I should have done instead. For once, I saw my failures summed up clearly in about 45 minutes! When a marriage is over, all hope for that relationship is over too. If I had heard today's message while married, it would have hit me in a way where I could question the issues and move forward, hoping that God will help rectify the situation. Now, years later, my hope can only lay with the next relationship, if there ever is one...making a different choice as a more mature Christian who has grown tremendously in faith.

That said, I am aware that making the wrong choices is what led me to where I am today...knowing God, having a relationship with Him, loving Jesus, and allowing Jesus to love me in return...it is a whole new world!

Should God ever will for me to enter into another intimate relationship, Lord knows I will be prepared. Throwing caution-to-the-wind is not who I am anymore! Let me say that I am not optimistic that God will send another man my way...but if he did, you better believe that I will want to do everything the right way, God's way.

The scripture that remained with me today:

Matthew 7: 24-27 "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house
on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and
beat against that house: yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put
them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that
house, and it fell with a great crash."

Sweet Jesus, thank you for allowing me to recover from my home built in the desert. I did not listen to your Word then and my world crumbled around me. I climbed from that pit to find my feet firmly planted on your rock. I rebuilt my home as I have listened to Godly counsel and strengthened my relationship with you. While I remain imperfect, I remind myself that through you all things are possible and that your love never fails. Amen

Praying for Healing

A family in Wisconsin believed that through prayer alone, their daughter could be healed. They engaged others to pray with them and this went on for weeks while their daughter slowly wasted away, dying from a treatable condition. I read that the parents believed that their daughter died because they did not have "enough" faith. Sweet Jesus!

When is negligence, negligence? I believe in prayer too. However, I also believe that God has designed our progress in the world--such as advances in technology and medicine. Many physicians and nurses are Christians who really believe. I work with a group of nurses that while very human and real, they are believers in Christ like no other. While I don't discount that miracles through prayer exist, I do believe God has given us miracles in the form of treatments for various conditions that people would have easily died from in the past. I believe God blessed those researchers who formulated insulin and diabetic treatments. Perhaps that lovely child would be alive today if her parents did have more faith.

As a mother, it is hard for me to relate. I don't think God punishes our children for our lack of faith or indiscretions. He judges each of us individually. If it were my child, I imagine I would pray continuously while seeking every treatment on this earth that the Lord may have created for my child. After I had exhausted all of the options, I would know that the Lord was calling her home for his own reason, his own plan...and I would struggle with it but hopefully be comforted by knowing this.

While the daughter was certainly not being punished for her parent's lack of faith, I do hope that her parent's are punished on earth for their lack of faith...faith in others. God works in relationships and through others every day! The extent of their punishment will be decided in a court of law...and I am sure it won't be too extreme as they certainly did not intend for their daughter to die...but negligence is negligence no matter how you look at it.

Sweet Jesus,

I pray that you comfort all of us who are struggling
with the death of this young girl. We believe in you and have faith.
I pray that you comfort her parents and help them to see the error in their
ways. I am certain that they are suffering miserably for their error and I
hope you can help them see your love for them, even through this tragedy.
Bless me today to be productive and kind. Blanket me with the Holy Spirit
so that your light can shine through me. I pray for peace in my heart,
peace in my home, and peace in the world. Amen.