The Liberating Divorce

I do not talk much about my ex-husband. But I am finding a therapeutic moment in blogging about him now. Today is a day when I am so reminded why the Lord led me straight out of my marriage. Please don't cringe. It is not like I didn't try. I tried for YEARS to turn things around, sacrificing, praying...but Christ has released me and today is reminding me why...

My former husband was assaulted last night, by 5 guys, because he had an affair with a married woman. I know that all of the women out there are feeling what I am feeling, that he DESERVED it! He certainly did not value the sanctity of our marriage, so why would he value another's? The ironic thing, to hear him talk about it is to listen to someone who is so out of touch with reality, so lost, so caught-up in the dark side (does that sound like he should be Anakin Skywalker?)...he'll admit his wrongdoing in one breath, and then talk about how he wants to be a greater part of our children's lives..."I know I have been slacking in that department..." were his exact words. Slacking is not the word, try non-existent. To sum up his parenting ability is to say that he is like the fun uncle...comes in to town, has a great time with the kids, and then fades away without feeling of responsibility or loyalty. To be honest, this is fine by me. He has no parental sense in him and I worry to no end when the children are in his care(which is rare).

I have said all of this to point out that my divorce was such a liberation. A liberation that led me straight into the arms of the Lord. I was stifled and oppressed during my marriage. Emotional manipulation and abuse dominated in our household and at the end I was a mere shell of my former self. The moment I decided that it was better to feel happy and whole and walk away was the moment I found myself on the path to freedom. I do not want to blog about the enormity of my marital woes. I realize now that it is through burdens and suffering that the Lord sets us free. I am a wiser woman who has matured tremendously in life, relationships, and in faith.

I do relish knowing that I was the best thing that ever happened to my ex. No one can ever compare. I take great pleasure and comfort in knowing this. After 3+ years, I no longer have feelings of love for him (in the romantic sense), but I care for him as the father of my children...and that's it. Like I said, God released me. I have prayed for years that he would turn his life around and stay on the straight path, for the sake of our kids, but I haven't prayed for this in a long time. I do not believe that he will ever stop worshipping life's false idols: money, gambling, sex. Those prayers have long since been replaced. Replaced with prayers of hope and new beginnings.

Dearest Lord, I am your servant. I long to be the best version of myself that I can be. You have shown me that seeking you is always the direction for renewal and sustenance. With you alone, I am complete. But I am lonely and I do wish for a Jesus-loving man to come in to my life to be the husband that you have been all along. I pray for a partner in life who will support me and allow me to support him, to shower with all the love in my heart, to demonstrate to my children what a good relationship looks like. Send me someone who can be a father-figure to my children, not to replace their father, but to fill-in the gaping wholes left by their father. Lord, I have long been the care-giver to all in my life, and I could use some care-giving myself, a tender touch, a kiss on the neck, someone who knows the value of church, family, and relationships. For a long time I mourned what my marriage should have been. I pray that you give me another chance. I am ashamed of all of the years I turned my ear away from you and I am confident that I am walking the path of righteousness and that I can make the right decisions for my future. In your will, in your time. My spirit is renewed and I submit to you in all things. I am grateful for the abundant blessings you have bestowed. Bless me in my endeavors and guide me in my walk, you are the Way. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.